I have always wondered how as Christians we always go to God seeking mercy and really hopeful that God will be merciful to us yet we do not show mercy to people around us.
It beats my mind especially how we judge people who marry into our families….yes I am talking about in-laws specifically people who marry our brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts.
So many homes have been wrecked as a result of attitudes of members of the families they are married into. I must admit that there are some families that support marriages to work. Over the years, as I observed and listened to stories I realise that such success stories didn’t just happen, these exceptional families were very intentional in their actions and inactions.
Marriage is hard work and no one ever has experience before getting into one nor is there an institution for Marriage Studies. Even those who are in their second and third etc. marriages still make mistakes because no one is perfect. In fact statistics has it that a higher percentage of second and third etc marriages end up in divorce.
So the question is why do we subject our in-laws to such scrutiny? Why is it that nothing they do is good enough? Why is it that all of a sudden our own relations are without fault and all the fault is heaped on the “outsider” who came into the marriage? Sometimes we do not even give them time to adjust before we pounce on them criticising them every step of the way…from how they dress… to how they talk ….to how hospitable they are…how neat the home is….to how long they stay away from the house…what is being cooked at what time…to how the children are being brought up…to etc, etc. Eg. Many years ago, a young lady came to me complaining about her brother’s wife, her complaint was she cooked yam for dinner…I looked at her incredulously and asked what is wrong with that? Now it was her turn to be surprised…she said yam is not meant to be eaten for supper; I laughed so hard and asked… says who? Who made that decree? We judge people, based on our worldview. This young lady was brought up with certain beliefs and so was using that as a measure to judge her brother’s wife and was making a whole issue out of what I see as nothing.
Research has it that the 1st 5 years of a marriage is usually the most turbulent for most couples because of adjustment issues. Throw in the dynamics of in-laws and chances of such marriages surviving become very slim. This leaves husbands and wives broken and hurting, some heal with time most never do. Children most of the time are the worst hit by this.
As a child, I watched this drama unfold in our home and I purposed in my heart never to be a pain in the lives of my future in-laws. I realised the power a sister-in-law can have when one day, one of my brothers called me to complain about his wife. I remembered my childhood pledge and one of the things I said to him was “as much as I love you, I can never be your wife, you got married not long ago, so it is natural that things will crop up, even though you come from the same tribe her upbringing is different from yours, your wife is a great person but not perfect, don’t expect perfection. You are a great person but you are not perfect either so pray to God for wisdom and see how best to navigate this turn” After he hang up I realised how I could have muddied the waters further and the power I had momentarily to contribute negatively to an already tense situation.
By the grace of God I have a fantastic, mutually respectful relationship with the spouses of my relatives. Are they perfect…oh no! Are my perfect, definitely not! But I have made a decision, to love them and choose to concentrate on their positive sides and affirm them. I love my brothers and other relations, cousins, nephews and nieces too much to want to land them in a broken home situation as a result of my actions or inactions.
This Christmas season, families are going to gather and these issues are going to crop up, how would you handle negative comments from family members urging you on to cause havoc in a marriage?
Remember God hates divorce according to Malachi 2:16a
Sometimes in marriage, life happens and couples decide to split but it will be on the safer side to ensure that we are not party to or instigators of events leading to such decisions because Matthew 18:6 says
“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in and acknowledge and cleave to Me to stumble and sin [that is, who entices him or hinders him in right conduct or thought], it would be better (more expedient and profitable or advantageous) for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be sunk in the depth of the sea” (AMP)
If you are troubled by events in a loved one’s marriage in your family, I suggest you take it to God in prayer; let’s all be intentional in praying for marriages in our families. Sometimes, things need to be talked about so ask God for wisdom on how to go about it and I trust He will direct your path; but most of the time, I strongly suggest we stay out of people’s marriages, it’s hard enough…..they don’t need another person to further stir the waters to make it unbearable.
As we go through the seasons of life, let’s remember to cut our in-laws some slack.
Enjoy a peaceful weekend!
God bless
Emefa Gadze
emefagadze 