As the pandemic rages and clearly exhausted leaders around the world find ways to grapple with it, I am just filled with much gratitude to all categories of people who have helped us visibly and in the background to stay afloat and hopeful.

  1. I have found great comfort in gleaning so much wisdom from preachers in this season as almost all preaching is online. I have been incredibly blessed by my own church family and our community online. The dedication and commitment of these pastors and church workers who are also going through the same season as we are is heartwarming. They are doing this whiles dealing with their own personal fears, challenges, and losses in this where there’s been so many loss of lives and the future uncertain. This genuine ones continue to stay committed to the welfare of their congregants.

These churches do not only feed the spirit some serve as buffer for people who need community support for whatever they might be enduring at this time. Some do grocery deliveries to those who need it the most.

Medical professionals, Healthcare workers and all people who work at hospitals have been overworked, put their families at risk, lost their own lives, died living devastated families and orphaned children. This group have worked in harsh conditions where PPES are not available or not sufficient for the influx of Covid-19 cases. They are constantly exhausted, depressed and at their wits end especially in environments where their efforts at saving lives are not supported which relevant policy and the availability of resources.

Mental health professionals, counselors and healers have seen a surge in providing support for many people as the isolation, chaos, fear, uncertainty of what the future holds have kept people triggered, opened hidden wounds and caused clients to nerd more support at this time.

Marriage counselors/therapist have been called on more now than ever as marriages are in need of attention as many couples have been forced to confront issues they usually sweep under the carpet if they want their marriages to last.

Family life lawyers are in demand as many couples have had to face the reality of ending bad marriages.

Comedians and people who provide comic and goodnews providers online have become a favorite as people seek temporary relief from the dire day to day realities.

Coaching is in demand as many people are seeking direction in pivoting their businesses online, navigating professional and personal lives or staying focused on their goals. As lockdowns and isolation increase, many have had to reach out to coaches for guidance at negotiating the online dating space to find love.

Funeral services providers have been inundated by the sheer demands of their services.

Musicians and various creative artists have played their roles in keeping moral high providing us temporary escapes.

Corporate leaders and other leaders in the world of work some who have already had let go of their employees, bearing the burden that their families will be gravely affected. Many have sleepless nights trying to figure out ways to keep their organizations afloat and profitable so they do not have to let go people.

Teachers, school administrators and educators around the world who have to keep their students engaged online. Other teachers don’t even have the tools so have to use other creative means to reach their students. The ones who are back in person school inspite of their fear of exposure to the virus

I am sure there are many more category of people I have not covered in this post. What is common among this category of people is they are not immune to the pandemic themselves yet are extending themselves to ensure that their constituents have some relief.

I join the many who have gone before me to say thank you for using your gifts, platforms, time to do your uplift us all.

I see your efforts and our world inspite of a pandemic is better for it.

I invite you not to neglect yourself in the process of taking care of the world around you. Its important you focus on your selfcare too which is an integral part of selflove. As much as I am celebrating you, I’m also asking that you don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. We need you to stay healthy and safe because you are priceless and the world needs more of you alive, sane and well.

What is disturbing about ‘Love Your Neighbour As Yourself’

I have been thinking about this scripture so much lately and what it means regards human relations in every area of our lives.

We casually throw this statement about but it’s one that is very deep and multi-faceted.

I have been guilty of touting this as the best way of navigating relationships as well. So why the sudden change. It struck me that ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ is a major reason why the problem of dysfunctional relationships exist.

The very statement assumes that everyone has mastery in loving themselves in a healthy way; which we know is not the case in many cases.

Having a healthy selflove is rooted in the ability of being self-aware. Self awareness requires that you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses which enables you to draw healthy boundaries, and practice effective self-leadership as a result. When you are aware of what your make up is, it enables you to know how to nourish yourself which is part of self love.

Once you stay loving yourself in the way you need to uniquely consistently, you navigate life refreshed, full and overflowing in your spirit, soul, mind and body. Its only then that a person can extend what is already overflowing in them to another because people can only give what they have.

Making time to get to know yourself to know how to love yourself is a sign of self- worthiness . It is when we are awakened to the fact that we are worthy that we become intentional at selflove. And more often than not, people who live from a place of worthiness are able to place priceless value on another human being and love them as much as they love themselves.

Bottom line, more often than not the way we show love to people is a reflection on how we love ourselves and our sense of worthiness.

How are you loving your neighbour in this season of your life? What does that say about you?

Hope

Hope

When we lose hope we become easy prey for oppressors: both physical and spiritual.

My prayer for us all in this season is that God grants us the grace and inner strength to continuously be hopeful no matter what.

That we create communities where when we feel hopeless, we will be lifted by the hope we see in others. Hope has been the Single factor that has pulled many out of unthinkable situations to places of complete liberation and rest.

Let’s acknowledge the pain, hurt, confusion, and the feelings of helplessness/hopelessness; release those and be intentional at guarding our hope.

Hope creates the foundation we need to build what we want to see. Hope enables us to see. Hope enables us to dream. Hope enables us to identify the good. Hope enables us to see stinking situations as manure that can be used to fertilize and realize a beautiful dream.

Hope keeps the atmosphere open and ready for the manifestation of what might seem impossible. Hope enables us to keep taking care of ourselves and putting one foot forward after another because in our minds eye we can see a better tomorrow so we stay preparing for it so that once what our mind sees manifests, we can be in a good place to step fully into it to play our part with excellence.

Hopefull people never lose. Refuse to lose by being quietly or loudly hopeful. Guard against surrendering to hopelessness… It spirals quickly into something else. Even though you can’t see it or feel it hope is been an age old powerful force responsible for creating powerful positive shifts in people, places and situations that were otherwise hopeless.

Never underestimate the power of hope. After you have done all… stand in quiet/loud hope.

RefuseToLose #StandingInQuietHope #Unstoppable #ItsMyBeautifulSeason #ItsYourBeautifulSeason #ItsABeautifulSeason

Kobe Bryant’s Exit and Legacy

As movie nights have become a thing in our home, my son suggested we watch a movie last Sunday night. Armed with popcorn my son made we settled down to have an entertaining evening. So I found it odd when he went into his room in the middle of the movie without a word.

I gave it a few minutes and followed up to find out what was up. That was when he mentioned the notification on his phone regards Kobe Bryant’s death. Oh I don’t envy parents whose children are involved in the sports world this week. I sat down and hugged him. He was in shock. We were in shock. We talked about it for a bit and I left him to process.

I guess I was fielding off the pain that I knew was going to hit but when I later read that his daughter Gianna was with him, I let the pain hit for real, it engulfed me from head to my toes. I was numb with pain. My mind and heart hugged this wife who has lost both hubby and daughter in a moment.

And it didn’t help that news came in that 7 others were on board. The pain of this horrendous loss to the Bryant, Altobelli, Chester, Mauser and Zobayan families can never be compared to what the rest of the world feel because they are literally living this nightmare neither does it invalidate our pain.

I struggled to sleep that night as so many questions flooded my mind. I wondered how God will allow this to happen to such dedicated family people. I thought of all the deadbeat dads and Irresponsible husbands and moms who don’t care for their families and couldn’t comprehend.

Of course intellectually I knew that death is no respector of persons and death is eminent and part of life but emotions don’t make sense always and mine didn’t.

These are times that I’m thankful for my belief in the same God I questioned because when my mind cannot make sense of happenings, I leave it to His sovereignty and trust that He will make good of this mess as only He can. He is the only person who specializes in turning horrendous unthinkable situations into some good.

It’s happening already. We’ve all been reminded again how important it is to live life intentionally loving on one another because all we have is the present. To live life responsibly, make an impact and leave a legacy.

‘The full length of a frog is seen only in its death’ is a Ghanaian proverb which indicates that we only see the full impact a person has had after they die is true in Kobe Bryant’s case.

In a world that is still recovering from the devastating effects of the lack of inclusion of the family system in professional spaces, it is a breath of fresh air that successful male figures like Kobe has left a legacy of being an involved father and loving husband. He was a loving friend and involved uncle. His tribe felt his love and care.

In the wake of his death the hash tag #GirlDad is trending; there’s an emphasis also on him as the wonderful family man he was, as much as an iconic basket ball player and accomplished business man.

Kobe has shown us that with the willingness to put in the work and evolve, it is possible to win in both family and professional spaces. And that is what most of us aspire to.

May our God who is able to do the impossible heal Vanessa Bryant and her girls and all the beautiful families grieving.
May their death not be in vain.

Fatherhood Is Sacred

If you are a father, I will like to remind you that you owe this earth a duty to father your children in a way that they do not end up with Daddy hurts. What are daddy hurts? Daddy hurts are invincible wounds that a person carries as a result of the ignorance, neglect, abuse, carelessness and absence of their father in their lives. These individuals go through life feeling inadequate because of the lack of validation from a dad. It affects their self-esteem, their ability to break out and excel, they struggle to maintain thriving relationships and they go through life most often feeling less than irrespective of how much success they attain in life. As a father your duty well done, heals society and advances nations. Your job is not an easy one at all, it is critical to building a civil, progressive and productive society.

When a man is been loved and validated by his father, he has a healthy sense of self and is well-balanced internally, knows his purpose on earth and is focused and happy in what he believes he is called to, he is not threatened by the success of his wife or any other woman around him. He goes out into the world ready to conquer and help anyone, male or female who is willing to take the world by storm without feeling intimidated.

When a woman is been well loved and validated by her father, she carries herself with dignity, she is confident in herself and her abilities, her relationships are rich and she is careful to choose the company she keeps because she knows her worth. Research has confirmed over and over again that many women at a certain level at the top have been found to be daddy’s girls. She thrives where ever she goes because she does not carry emotional and psychological baggage. Because of that she is more able to conquer the world.

Here is an example of how to affirm and validate your children; an excerpt of what TD Jakes publicly said to her daughter Sarah Jakes Roberts

”I am proud of you
I am proud of what you are doing
I am proud of who you are on the earth
I am proud of who you are in the kingdom
I am proud to say you are my daughter
I am proud to honour you and to recognise you and to see the bud blossom and bringing forth food not just to you but to your children and children’s chidren.
And the gift that I give you today is a gift that so many people dont get.
I cannot control what you will face in life, I dont know what the future will bring for you. but you will not be one of those girls growing up in the world wondering what her father thought about her.
I think you are amazing, I think you are spectacular, I think you are uniquely special and I love you to life”

When her father had finished telling her this, she had no words, just a big wide grin on her face and tears in her eyes.

Fathers, you are precious, you are critical to solving a lot of ills on this planet that are caused most often by broken people. People who did not get the right conditioning and love in their early years who now have become a liability on this earth.

Kudos to the exceptional fathers who are hands on with their children and even better extending a hand to father other children who are not theirs biologically.

Love your children well. If you do not know how, please learn how to to do it. There are many examples of men who did not have great fathers themselves who have become exceptional at fatherhood.

One clue to being a great dad, is treating your child’s mother with respect and honour.

Own Your Being

 

A few Sundays ago I was at the reception of a hotel out of Accra, waiting for a friend. It was a small countryside hotel and receptionist had stepped out briefly. The manager walked into the space I was in, my head was buried in a magazine, he greeted, I lifted my head and responded and went back to my reading. The next thing he said was, you have such a commanding voice….I looked up at him, wasnt sure how to respond…I had many questions for him….like, can you help me understand what you mean by that statement? etc…but I caught myself, smiled, nodded at him because I was genuinely at a loss for words and went back to my reading…determined not to start any conversation because my instincts knew where that was going.

I do not remember any time in my entire existence that my voice did not serve as a threat to another being. It got to a point, I had a joke among my inner circle which went…’I am for peace but when I speak they are for war’ ..thankfully I am not the type of person who tries to reduce herself to fit into any stereotypical ideals. I have two voices, one is deep and one is feminine, depending on only God knows what any of them chooses to come out at any given time and I do not have control over that….ouch.

Secondly I am very confident woman, having had the influence of a very strong Dad early on in life, the moral support of uncles and brothers who affirmed me along the way, I know no other way of being than to be confident. Granted life happened time and time again, kicked the very life out of me and I was convinced I was not going to come back from this blow, but I kept surprising myself by the grace of God, digging myself out of whichever hole it is and bit by bit gaining my confidence back.

I have come to realise that my voice, confidence and general personality can be intimidating to a person even before I open my mouth. It bothered me for a long time how people misunderstood me generally until it got to a time where it didnt matter anymore. I told myself, I will not be accountable for the conclusions people arrive at because of my voice literally and my voice figuratively. I chose not to apologise for my persona anymore because it is a priceless gift to be bold, confident and empathetic. I accepted myself fully, completely warts and all. It means that my passion about issues will be misunderstood sometimes but then every now and then I realised that there is a group that heard me beyond my literal voice, they hear my heart and that kept growing and growing over the years.
Then I realised I was called to a particular people, not to everybody. I was tailor-made to be a voice to particular people across the globe and I have not looked back since.

Now back to the gentleman at the reception who commented about my commanding voice…I chose to ignore because I needed my energy for the people I am tailor made for. For the people who are and will be grateful that I inhabit the earth….there’s work to do, there is a legacy to leave and the work sometimes can be daunting so I chose to rest so I can have the energy to war more purposefully another day.

To that girl or woman who is always being taunted for having a powerful, commanding voice and a very intimidating presence, remember you didnt create yourself. God in his infinite wisdom chose to create you this way and we both know He had a reason for creating each of us with our beautiful differences and uniqueness. I hope you never lose your voice and great persona, diminishing yourself because of people who cannot grasp the greatness that is you.

Remember, you are tailor-made for a people whose destinies are tied to yours. This is not entirely about you. You needed to be the way you are to be able to fulfill your God given purpose. Don’t loose your essence, keep overcoming so that you can use that powerful voice and ‘intimidating’ persona for good.

Hugs to all my #TooLoud, #TooKnown, #TooMuch ladies out there….keep using your voice for good.

#OwnYourBeing #YoureMadeForMore #DontLooseYourEssence #PursuePurpose #UseYourvoiceForGood
#TheExecutiveLifeCoach

The In-law Factor and Lack of Boundaries in Marriage

 

The wedding season has began and many people are preparing to get married before the end of the year well into February the next year.

If your partner is the type who is not able to set boundaries with parents and family members now, please think twice before you commit.

No amount of love, is able to prevent the calamity that arises from lack of boundaries from family in marriage. And if you are not able to stand the heat, you might end up divorced and probably with hurting children in the mix afterwards.

This matter that is seldom spoken about is very, very major in marriage and causes a lot of heartache. Marriage is already not easy even for the best marriages. Then you add to the mix a spouse who does not understand where to draw the line when it comes to his or her family, is recipe for disaster.

The most painful thing to experience as a spouse in such situations is to see the person you love, respect and hold in high esteem become like a helpless child in the face of their family, sometimes resentful about the position they in but convinced they are powerless about finding a solution. Leaving you in a place of resentment and constant chaos… It’s not a great place to be.

No matter how polished, rich educated, fine etc they are, it will never compensate for the pain and chaos that spouse brings because of the lack of sense of boundaries when it comes to their family or their refusal to do anything about it.

Sometimes, I wonder why we don’t often hear sermons about this silent epidemic in marriages especially in our setting, considering how we seem to hate divorce more than God himself and stigmatize people especially women who go through with it.

If we abhor divorce then we must start tackling other root causes that we refuse to talk about.

Dear person about to marry, open your eyes, don’t ignore redflags, you have the power of choice, use it wisely.

Back To School Season – A Note To Dads

 

If you are a dad, who is dragging their feet to pay your dues this back to school season, as your children need many new things from school fees to uniforms, books, transportation, homework help, emotional support, lunch and snack fees, hostel fees, groceries etc remember it is your child who feels the pain the most, not your ex when you abandon your duties as a father.

Please get a grip on yourself and focus on that child. Children never forget. We’ve all heard many childhood stories from adults about how their parents treated them when they were most capable. These negative stories must be disrupted for more positive ones.

For those who complain that the exes are using the children to extort money from them, sometimes I wish more single mums will find the courage to leave their children with their fathers to take care of them 24/7 so they know what the deal truly is. That as much as some of them might be contributing financially, this thing of being primary custodial parent, goes beyond money (that most times is not even enough or is not even coming from the dad at all). It means bringing all of you to the table and it does not help when the ex is doing the most to just cause trouble. In the end sadly, it’s the children who suffer.

No matter how much you hate your ex wife or girlfriend, being an adult requires that, you step out of your feelings and look at things objectively. If you are really able to do that, you will see how much she is doing her best to bring up both your children and sometimes even her step-children, children you brought into the relationship but she embraced so much that now that the relationship is over, she is still caring for them.

Your ex might not be perfect, but learn to show appreciation for what they do for the overall well-being of the children.

Why Is The Responsible Parent The One We Choose To Shame?

 

Our society’s attempt to shame single mums especially divorced and never married mums is laughable to say the least!

People get shocked when you present yourself as a proud and happy single mum. Why should I bow my head in shame when God in His infinite wisdom chose to entrust a whole human being in my care?

Why should I be ashamed for finding the courage to birth my child in my unmarried state, in a so judgemental society!? Why should I be ashamed for choosing Life for my child/children?

Why should I be the one who should be ashamed for walking out of an abusive marriage?

Why should I be the one who should be ashamed for being divorced by a man who felt I wasn’t good enough for him despite me putting my all into it?

Why should I be the one who should be ashamed even though I bear 70 to 100% of providing and raising these gifts of children to be fruitful and decent human beings?

Why should I be the one who should bow my head in shame when most often than not, I’m the responble parent?

Why are you so shocked I am not ashamed to wear the Crown of being a single mom/parent with great pride and joy?

Do you want me to be ashamed of my child/children?

Do you know what I have survived? Do you know that the very thought that I’m alive, sane and thriving sends joy like a river coursing through my whole being?

Do you know that I’m a pillar in society?

Do you know that I have raised and continue to raise amazing men and women who are pillars of societies around the world?

Do you know that I have singlehandedly raised sons who are amazing husbands and fathers even though they did not have fathers themselves?

How dare you stigmatise me to perpetuate the stereotype views about Single moms/parents?

Do you have a clue, the sleepless nights I had to endure to raise these heroes and heroines?

Do you have a clue the village that worked tirelessly to ensure I got my confidence and strength back after I fell flat on my face many times along the way?

Does it make sense to shame the responsible ones who stay and raise the children and hail the irresponsible fathers who abandon ship…. well because they can and we have empowered them by our coddling silence to can?

Being surprised at my confidence and pride of being a single mum, is asking me to be ashamed of my child/children. It is asking me to diminish the sacrifice I put in to raise them. It is asking me to devalue the inputs of my village and I cannot do that.

I’m thankful for my journey. I’m thankful for joy, peace, strength and wisdom. I’m thankful for my village who lift us up daily. I’m thankful to the Almighty God for His peace and many blessings. I’m thankful because abundance is coming my/our way in many forms.

Maybe just maybe you are the one who needs to interrogate your conscience and bow your head in shame?

Haters

The way conversations and statements about haters is being thrown around these days sets off a discomfort and uneasiness in me that is being difficult to shake off.

I have had my fair share of people who do not agree with me on many levels on issues that I’m passionate about. I have had people who I thought had my back sabotage me in ways that in some ways, I’m yet to recover from. But the question remains are they haters?

Believe me when I say I have pondered over this a lot, seeking answers. I have read around a bit and wanting to understand the trending label of haters. I chanced upon this video of Tyler Perry in the Lakewood Church talking about the same subject and his explanation resonates with me more. In the message titled climb and maintain, he gives an illustration of when an aircraft takes off and is flying.

When there are people who have supported you consistently and seem to all of a sudden abandon you or now there seem to be some Form of misunderstanding, it’s not always because they are haters. It might be just that, they are just going through a rough patch themselves, it might be hormones(especially for women at a certain stage in life) itighy be that their role in your life is over and they are handing over the baton to the next person who has been designated to be with you in the next season of your lifes journey.

When you are leveling up, a new job, marriage, entrepreneural endeavor, relocation, more commitment in your faith, more committment to your goals, decision to be committed to family life etc, not every single person in your circles will understand, your changed behavior and support it. And that is okay.

I have come to understand and accept that it’s okay to be misunderstood and sometimes in the bid to explain ourselves to people who are committed to misunderstanding us, we lose ourselves along the way.

It could also mean that I might not have been communicating the right way and learn to improve on my communication skills. It could also mean that I am burnt out from all the demands regarding my decision to level up and I am also growing and adjusting in finding my feet in my new season.

It could also be that I didn’t choose a good friend from the beginning and so the new season or changes in my life has revealed that fact.

We need to have deep introspection, have honest conversations with ourselves and get to the root of issues before we start to label others as haters. In the absence of that we are prone to make the same decisions over and over again and we will be stuck with the mindset that most people are haters when we are the ones who are the common denominator in all the relationships we’ve had.

Another angle to look at this is not everyone is equipped to do the next level of life with you…..pause let that sink in. Does that make them haters? Does being ill equipped to handle something that is beyond a person’s capacity make them haters?

Other times people are also going through their own seasons of change. Seasons of change can be pretty brutal on a person. It could be an empty next, menopause, peri-menopause, a health issue, financial situation, career complications, family drama, death of a loved one etc etc. Even positive seasons of change can make a person seem unsupportive towards you.

I have lost count on how many friends and family relationships changed when they got married or relocated or got that dream job etc, etc and rightly so.
Others the overwhelm that such changes brought into their lives still remained steadfast in our relationship.

Sometimes people just outgrow us… Ouch… truth hurts right? Or we’ve just outgrown them as well. It’s healthy. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now but that’s exactly what you need.

It could also mean you are right, that the heat in your life, the purification process that is required to level up, revealed the snakes in your life. It can be brutally hurtful… but I hope we are all able to pick ourselves and heal from that, forgive and have some energy left to move on.

I hope we survive the loneliness that leveling up requires, as you build a new tribe at every stage and I hope we do the work to heal, leave the baggage behind, travel light and be able to embrace all the richness in new friendships and relationships in your new season.

It is time we begin to look within, it is time to let go of relationships that no longer serve us with grace not resentment, being grateful for the beautiful years we’ve shared. It’s time to make forgiveness a lifestyle. It is time to embrace that snakes are part of the earth’s eco-system and equip ourselves so when we find one within our circles, the discovery will not become our permanent undoing. It’s time to set a reminder that not everyone is equipped to be with us in every season of our life. It’s time to embrace being misunderstood. It’s time to set the values right when choosing our tribe. It is time to learn how to communicate well. It is time to embrace the loneliness that comes from leveling up, believing we will find those who are supposed to ride it with us. It’s time to understand that fact that majority of people we’ve labeled as haters, could it be that they are not?

Here’s to all the friends and family who choose/are equipped to stand by us through all the different seasons of life, and continue to remain fiercely loyal even though sometimes they do not understand us. Thanks for being the comfort blanket we need, the safe place that reminds us that we are worth unconditional love.

My reflections on the Eisenhower Fellowship Africa Conference which took place in Kigali, Rwanda from 14th to 16th June 2019

It was a very insightful experience at the just ended EFA2019.  It was exciting to be part of discussions focusing on moving the continent forward but the question remains will the human capital needed to implement all the laudable ideas will be able to have the emotional, psychological and mental fortitude needed in addition to all the other skills to push forward such laudable agendas?

Currently the statistics of young people in Africa is 70% below the age of 21.  What are the experiences of these young people?  How many of them have stable homes as strong foundations?  How many of these young people have positive, impactful father figures to guide them in their daily lives or to help them navigate interesting life situations? Speaking to delegates and fellows at the just ended EFA2019 made it crystal clear that we have a social crises looming on our continent; they all spoke about the rampant problem of irresponsible fatherhood in their respective countries. My work with Single Parents Families in my country Ghana, coupled with all the stories from the other delegates confirms the fact that, we have a fatherhood crises looming in Africa and we need strategic intentional steps to tackle the issue.

Granted there are many wonderful fathers and father figures who are doing amazing work but the numbers are woefully low and beggars more attention in this area.  Africa has in a total of the last 50 or more years in different parts, have had many pockets of civil wars causing political instability in many countries across the globe. Many families were scattered as a result of these wars and many fathers lost their lives. Family life as they knew it was disrupted, leaving behind its trail a number of fatherless, orphaned and traumatised young people in their wake whose only memory of life as they knew it in their formative years is chaos.  Then there is the category that is orphaned because their parents died during the confusion of the HIV Aids epidemic outbreak when there was so much misinformation and an absence of the antiretroviral drugs in the beginning and many people as a result died leaving behind their children.  Not too long ago Ebola also wiped out many parents who left behind orphaned children.

The extended family system as we knew it is fast disappearing.  The stability of the extended family system which provided a safety net and a sense of belonging to children in situations as I described above is not as dependable anymore due to harsh economic realities and the influence of western cultures, many people nowadays tend to focus on their nuclear families.  This means that, the young people who hitherto had the guardianship of Uncles, Grandfathers and other elders in the family who had oversight over them are now left to their own devices and are left to ‘raise’ themselves leading to the rise in child homelessness and streetism.

Irresponsible fatherhood is also on the increase due to many factors, either fathers are ill equipped or they are running away from responsibility, to just plain abandoning their children after their relationship with the mothers go south.  In a recent rough survey I did to access the situation of fathers who remain in the lives of their children after a breakup, it turns out about 70% of fathers just abandon ship.  What this means is that the mothers are left to single-handedly raise these children, most of the time without any family support or social protection.  This becomes a big drain on the overall wellbeing and wholeness on mothers raising these children as they strive to provide, financial, emotional, moral, educational, etc support for themselves and their children.  Thankfully there are many success stories as some of these mothers raise really fine children. But it cannot be denied that many of these children fall through the cracks and do not thrive the way they would have, had they had strong support systems and guidance.

The ripple effects of irresponsible fatherhood is felt by everyone from the child to the mother, the community, the countries and eventually the continent.  We lose out on the full participation of everyone because human capital which could have been harnessed for development is labouring under the burden of providing for her children and most often than not does not have any more energy left to contribute to the larger society the way she would have had her circumstances been less dire.

For the development agenda of the African continent to succeed in this era and beyond, we cannot afford but to start having conversations surrounding strengthening the family systems in a way that will create a more stable and productive society. We will need deliberate and strategic steps to tackle this issue.  For instance, I found out that Rwanda as a way of integrating young people and children orphaned by the war into the society, adopted a system where these children were assimilated into families so they can have a sense of family and belonging.

We will need to look at existing policies in our countries, update and implement them to bring irresponsible fathers to book.  We can initiate conversations in our communities and at a national level that urge capable father figures to step in as mentors to the children who need it.  We also need to build the capacity of the single parent families by making available resources such as, appropriate conflict resolution that allows those who can, to successfully co-parent, counselling and therapy services to positively boost their mental and emotional health, skills development and training and other resources as may be needed per demography to help them raise well-balanced children because the state should have a vested interest in these children because they are the ones who will drive the next level development agenda of Africa.

Putting in place a fatherhood movement where fathers’ capacity are built to understand their role as fathers and the impact the neglect of this all important role has on both the nuclear family, community and the overall development agenda of Africa. This is important because of the gap that was created by family disruptions through wars, disease, economic situations etc, there is a generation of fathers now who were fatherless themselves and so just do not have the idea of how to be responsible dads.

For the African continent to be able to implement all the beautiful ideas discussed at the just ended #EFA2019 and thrive, we cannot continue to have development discussions without a focus on the family system and the way the next generation is being parented, and the effect the neglect is having on their psyche and their total well-being and how that is going to inform their decision making which will largely affect the future of Africa.

The current state of affairs is not sustainable and constitutes violence against women and children as the burden is left solely on the mothers to raise the future of Africa, which tells on their overall well-being and wholeness. The children are also deprived of having the positive influence of fathers and many of whom end up being raised in financial and relational poverty.

What, then, must we do about this? The first step is to acknowledge that we have a problem and to shed the persistent cultural indifference to the father absence issue that we have on the continent. We must by all means continue the discussions on business, technology, intra-trade, future of work, but also be intentional at bringing to the table, social issues surrounding the family which are critical to affecting the success of the implementation of the development agenda regards the future of Africa. It will be detrimental to the future of Africa if we neglect to address the issue of the ever increasing single parent homes and what has become the legacy of irresponsible fatherhood and fatherlessness; it has the high probability of affecting our ability to develop our full potential as a continent due to its ripple effects.

Let’s bear in mind that a society is only as strong and vibrant as its people and families.

Emefa Gadze – EFA2019 Delegate

Founder, Single Parents Support Network (Accra, Ghana)

16th July 2019

 

Financially Crippled and in an abusive relationship? – Have a Plan

Just sending warm thoughts to our sisters in abusive marriages and relationships. I know leaving an abusive union is really difficult for most women because of financial difficulties. So here’s my suggestion.

Have a exit plan

1. If you realize he’s abusive please decide not to have another child. Please go to the health center and get help to decide birth control methods that work for you.

2. Go back to school/add value to yourself if you are in this bracket. Focus your energy on building your career and personal development. (I know this option might not work for some abuse victims)

3. Save some money. No matter what don’t touch that money.

4. Start figuring out accommodation options, school for your child etc.

5. Reach out to a lawyer for guidance.

6. If your family is super supportive let them in on the plan otherwise keep them out of it.

7. Find a trusted friend to help you. You will need help.

8. Pack an emergency bag for yourself and your children if you have any. Make copies of the house keys. Keep all your valuables, important certificates, passports, important documents and keep them safe outside of the house.

9. Never ever threaten to leave him. Some women lost their lives through that.

10. When the coast is clear leave quietly. Call whoever you confided in to be your ally and your lawyer. Never disclose your location. Depending on the situation, your children might be out of school for a few days as you adjust to your new life.

11. If you believe in in prayer, pray for wisdom and courage.

I know you’ve been beaten down either physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and/or financially a lot. This robs you of your courage and sense of self. I have great news for you….. I’ve seen so many women make a strong come back after abuse that I believe that no matter what you’ve been through, you can heal from it and go on to have an amazing life. You are gorgeous, simply priceless and amazing! Always speak positively to yourself and watch your life change. There’s power in words❤️🙏🏾.

#LeaveToLive

©️Emefa Gadze 15th April 2019

*Features image is culled from the Internet*

My 3 Gifts For The New Year

It’s a new year! The positivity around the new year is exhilarating! The heart-warming wishes as we wish everyone, even strangers a Happy New Year, going as far as pronouncing blessings is a beautiful experience I never tire of experiencing. Oh.. how I wish we could freeze those moments and replicate them throughout the year. Since I am unable to freeze those happy, joyous moments and make them last, I am gifting you with 3 things that has the ability to keep your energy positive and your heart smiling through the year.

My first gift is, have a vision.  Vision according to Merriam-Webster dictionary is the ‘act of power of imagination’. It needs you to create a vivid mental image of how you want your life to be in all aspects. Transfer this vivid imagery you have into writing and ultimately create a vision board, hang it at a place where you can see it every day to remind you of what you need to be focusing on. This simple process if done right has the power to shift your life in the direction you desire and helps you thrive.

Invest in your well-being is my second gift to you. This is a very fundamental but often neglected aspect of our lives. We wear many hats and it is next to impossible to fully blossom if we are not intentional about pouring back into ourselves. We get hurt, disappointed, in some cases devastated and wounded in the course of living life, and same seriousness we give to physical wounds, it is important we give to invisible ones as well to ensure we heal properly. Healing well keeps us supple, hopeful, positive and powerful. How do we sustainably pour into ourselves in the face of so many demands on our time, energy and other resources? We need to;

  • Prioritise your spiritual practice to develop/strengthen your personal relationship with God.
  • Create a Personal Value System.
  • Build a team of experts around you who help you navigate life’s complexities

My third and final gift is fall in love with Gratitude.  Being intentional at identifying all our blessings has the ability to positively revolutionise our lives.  Gratitude journaling helps us to focus on the good. I suggest you get a beautiful journal for this practice; identify at least 5 things that you are grateful for daily. This also serves as a magnet that keeps attracting all the good things you are grateful for to keep flowing into your life because what we focus on grows and what we starve dies.

I believe strongly that by unwrapping these 3 gifts; having a vision, investing in your well-being and falling in love with gratitude you will set yourself up intentionally to flourish in this season and beyond! 

Twenty Nuggets for Transitional Seasons

Twenty Nuggets For Transitional Seasons.

Transitions are normal occurences in life. Everybody goes through them even if they arent aware of it.

The difference is the intensity and the circumstances you find yourself in. Not all transitions are because of bad happenings. Some actually are because you finally manifested your dreams, God answered your prayers, you leveled-up, your children left home to pursue the beginning of adulthood, you are a newlywed, emigrated to another country, changed careers etc

Then there are the horrible ones, death, illness, loss, bankruptcy, disfunction, war, etc.

One common denominator is grief. Oh there can be joy and grief at the same time because of many factors.

Transitions can be bittersweet, some can be downright horrible and feeling like you will never come out the other side. No light seems apparent at the end of the tunnel.

In the midst of all this pay attention.

  1. Pay attention to your thoughts. Pay attention to your words…your thoughts and words have power.
  2. Pay attention to your dreams, vision and goals. Keep them in mind. Keep dreaming, dreams are for free. Dull out the noise and focus.
  3. Pay attention to your energy. Protect it. You will need all of you to be able to get through.
  4. Pay attention to people and how they handle you in such seasons. Transitional seasons are sifting seasons. They present the rare gift of knowing who is who…ie who is a real one and who isnt. This is because people have a way of relating to people they think they will never need.
  5. Isolation is necessary to keep the noise out to enable you have clarity but beware of overdoing it. We are relational beings.
  6. Ask for help, pray for help and pay for help
  7. Never give in to shame…shame is a prison. You are not the first person to have hit rock bottom. You are not the first person struggling to adjust to a new season of blessing. The examples of those who survived and thrived are too numerous to count.
  8. It is a pause not a fullstop. Believe it with all of you.
  9. Pay attention to the lessons. They are priceless. Many people have churned out books and numerous projects from valley and transitional seasons.
  10. Journal like your life depends on it.
  11. Pray, cry, laugh, dance, hope. Hold on to hope. Take walks, rest, be in nature…its restorative.
  12. Offer people grace. Not everyone has the capacity needed to handle you well during this season.
  13. When you ask for help and you get a no, note that though it might not feel like it, NO is redirection not rejection.
  14. Transitional seasons are lonely seasons. You are navigating the unfamiliar, you need new muscle which you are now building….I mean mental and emotional capacity. You are experiencing life in a way that you might not have the words to express it yet. You might not have the capacity to embrace people the way you used to. You will be misunderstood because of it. Make peace with it.
  15. Transitional seasons are shedding seasons. To survive and eventually thrive you will need to shed the old in order to have the capacity to embrace the new. Shed, old mindsets, habits, behaviours, routines, people. Every weight must go.
  16. You will be the most vulnerable in this season. Make space for your vulnerability. No matter how strong you are you will need someone to hold space for you. Singles and those in lonely unions beware you do not fall in any reckless hands during this season, bearing in mind when you are hungry every food looks delicious.
  17. Anchor yourself in hope. I cant emphasise this enough.
  18. Find a seasoned counselor, coach, mentor, therapist to guide you.
  19. Pay attention to the positives and celebrate them.
  20. It might not make any sense now, but it will all make sense with time.

All things are working together for your good.

cyclebreakers #SingleParents #CompassionateLeaders #Transitions #Growth #ItsABeautifulSeason #Unstoppable

There is Purpose in Your Pain. There is sense in the seeming and obvious chaos in your life.

For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about Mr. Pierre(not his real name) who was a manager at one of the places I worked several years ago. He was efficient, effective and on top of his job at all times and very pleasant to work with. You know the kind of senior person in any organization you like to bump into during the work day because they exude what I call ‘pleasant’. He was not full of himself. His position did not get to his head: he just handled his role in such a way that enhanced work flow. He was young, focused, committed and fun to work with. But…. his desk was always a mess! He thrived better with a a messy desk.

I personally wondered how he got anything done so efficiently in such a chaotic atmosphere.

The fun part is, anytime he went on leave, the GM at the time who was an older man(who probably saw Mr. Pierre like his recalcitrant son) will ask one of us to go organize his desk anytime he went on his annual vacation. I guess it was to ease his own frustrations and anxiety at having to endure this messy desk for the most part of the year that he couldn’t resist the desire to have one month of an orderly desk.

This means anytime Mr. Pierre returned to the office, he was triggered bad! He will throw his arms in frustration, pass his hands through his hair several times and cuss unprintable things in French. When he is able to calm down he will say as many times as possible that ‘there’s perfect sense in this mess for me. I know where everything is and now you’ve messed up everything!’

To be frank with you we held our breath, giggled amongst ourselves and patiently waited for what will ensue the minute he stepped foot into his office… It was a very interesting thing to observe.

– [ ] You might be wondering where is Emefa going with this today? I’m here to reassure you that there’s sense in the seeming and obvious chaos in your life. If you are able to breathe through it, keeping an open mind, putting one foot in front of the other,doing the inner work necessary, pray through it, cry your heart out as many as you times as it becomes necessary, refusing to quit on life, it will all make sense in due course.

If you are a person of faith, who has a deep unshakeable trust in God, nothing you’re going through will be wasted. All things, the good the bad and the ugly is working out for your good.

I pray for inner strength for you. What the Bible calls ‘might in the inner man’ in your process, your life’s journey because whether you recognize it or not, you’re being custom built for the purpose you’ve been called to serve.

No matter how ridiculously messy your situation looks or is right now ‘there’s sense in the mess’. Trust the process and believe.

Life Happens In Seasons

Life happens in seasons. Always believe for the best even if there is no sign in sight that what you are believing for is possible. Do not let age, your background, present challenges and seeming obstacles prevent you from having a vision and dreaming dreams bigger than you.

Do not let naysayers keep your mind in a negative place. Keep believing. Start to work towards what you are believing for. Be willing to look like a fool to some people. Dream, dream, dream, dream, because dreams are for free. Be willing to evolve into the person you need to be to achieve those dreams.

Normalise being misunderstood and have the courage to embrace all the discomforts that come with evolving. Create the space in your mind and every aspect of your life that is necessary to accommodate that big vision and dream.

You will question yourself along the way….that’s normal in such moments go back to your why and keep your focus on it.

Be intentional at enjoying the journey in each season. There’s always something positive and beautiful in each season, train yourself to identify and not miss the beautiful moments.

Be gracious to people who misunderstand your journey, you alone can understand your vision in a certain way, make peace with that.

Most importantly, remember to breathe along the way. Life is not a collection of incessant projects, it’s to be savored, cherished, lived to its fullest.

When your heart is breaking, let it break beautifully, grieve fully, wholly, grieving is part of living. Sometimes it’s an indication that you’ve been blessed to know a certain depth of love that many can only dream of. Other times it could be that your worth has been trampled on… the beauty in this is the ability to be aware that you are worthy of more beauty, love, goodness, greatness and all things amazing. As simple as this looks I’ve come to realize that not many people are intrinsically aware of how worthy they are.

No matter what life throws at you, I hope you never lose focus on your dreams; that you find the courage to evolve at all times as often as needed to fully manifest them.

Finally when disaster strikes I hope you are surrounded by so much love in all its forms and that you have the ability to embrace it in a way that allows your heart to start healing.

Pause. Reflect. Breathe. Live.

With love always

Emefa.

The Great Disconnect

The Great Disconnect

For a while now I’ve been burdened by the disconnect that is deep within the Christian faith and how we relate with the world around us.

One of my favorite Bible study times in church a few years ago centered around being billboards for Christ. What I learnt in that season still lives within me. It guides me in how I relate to people and respond to situations. Do I get it right all the time, no but there is a deliberate conscious intention to live my life in such a way that communicates the love of Christ to people I encounter in life.

It’s been with great discomfort in the pit of my belly that I watch in horror how many of us who profess Christ are the vilest towards people and very worldly when it comes to day to day situations.

I thought to bring this gentle reminder that once we profess Christ, it’s important to understand that love is very fundamental of the faith we’ve committed to. This means, our personal opinions take back seat. This commitment to Christ is surrendering what you think love is and being open to understanding what His love is.

Two prayers that help me navigate life:

  1. Father, teach me how to love this person. If they are people in my inner circle I pray… Please show me their love language.

In sticky situations where it’s not obviously black and white, I pray

  1. Father show me what to do in this situation that reflects you. Help me be your billboard.

God is love. That is the summary of the big Bible we carry back and forth. The conclusion of it all is love. Accepting God’s unconditional love allowing it to fill all the spaces and places where we need it the most. Surrendering our personal perception of what we think love is. Allowing this tremendous love to transform us daily and mirroring it back to the world around us.

It’s disheartening to see that usually the people who are most brutal in comment sections over issues, when you go and check their profile is speaking about God and their faith in Christ.

The corruption happening in places all around the world is committed by people who profess faith in Christ.

The oppression of the poor, the injustices against minorities, the racial and tribal bigotry, the abuse of women, children and sometimes men… .. All the evils is perpetuated by people who do it in the name of God.

The way we look down on single mums especially some of our church spaces, the way we have categories for them….the most respected are widows, then divorces because they’ve been married before so at least they are honorable. Then in another breath, we judge them for leaving their marriages, as for the women who have babies out of wedlock(aka baby mamas), they and their children are the least embraced and respected.

The hierarchy we’ve allotted to sin. Sin is sin, there’s no hierarchy to it. Lying, cheating, pornography, adultery, dishonesty, being a bully a general lack of integrity in how we operate in life are all on the same level.

The way we treat women even in Church spaces is so appalling. These are people created in the image of God but whose abuse stems from the wrong teachings and interpretations we’ve given the scriptures just to feed our egos.

The disconnect is so wide we cannot relate to people the way Christ did whilst on earth so we have created meaningless traditions to make us feel like we are doing things right.

I must say a few of us get it right, but many of us are completely in the way of the gospel reaching hearts because we’ve become a stumbling block through our actions and inactions

One of the places I’ve felt most loved is in Church and it’s the same space I’ve been most wounded because of the ignorance that people who should know better are committed to spewing and acting out.

We cannot continue this way. We are humans so we will not get it right all the time, but it’s important to at least make an effort to commit to reflecting the unconditional love of Christ as we have freely received it.

If you started you don’t know what that looks like, look at yourself, see how God has embraced you fully inspite of all your failings and extend the same grace to another.

It’s not in the abundance of scripture we regurgitate and forward in groups and try to shove down people’s throat; it is how deliberate we are in showing that overwhelming reckless love of God to ALL people without bias.

Pray to God to show you where the disconnect is in your life and how you’ve related to people and situations around you and ask Him to show you how to do it differently going forward and He will show you.

Let us be deliberate about being the billboards for Christ in showing His love in all spaces. It’s only when we go deep in our personal relationship with Christ, embrace His love for us fully, that we will have the capacity to show that same love to ALL people.

Embracing God’s unconditional love for us fully is at the root of #LovingYourselfExtravagantly. It is only when you have that extraordinary love within your heart that you can extend it in its entirerity to others.

Lets commit to knowing better so we can do and be better.

Happy Sunday!

PS:Kindly do a personal study of the whole chapter of 1Cor.13 for more insight

Our Thoughts Create Our World

One thing I am incredibly thankful for in this interesting season is my new found love for gardening. It has been such a soothing, fulfilling and learning experience for me . Apart from the fact that I just love the smell of earth and fascinated by all the hidden lessons in planting and reaping, its become a place to quiet my thoughts, reset, think and pray.

I had always wanted to use the space at the back of the house for a a garden since I moved here some time ago but the busyness of life and me not prioritising it kept getting in the way then 2020 happened. We were under lock down; I decided it was now or never… so armed with my secondary school (high school) knowledge gained in agriculture class, I proceeded to get some help to prepare the space for planting.

We uprooted and planted 3 seedlings of plantain I had growing crowded and that summed up my whole garden. I will go back and admire my near empty garden space and think about all the other plants I want to see growing there. By the second week without me asking, one of my neighbours came with help in tow to ask me if he could help me plant cocoyams and okro in the garden. I was completely blown away by his generosity of time, money (he paid the young men for their time) and seeds. Whiles reflecting on this act of kindness shown me, I remembered how thoughts of growing plants I liked had consumed me for a while and just like that, I had manisfested what I had been thinking about.

Another incident that comes to mind happened just a few days ago. I had engaged a young man to help me pull out weeds from the garden. As we worked together, I just thought it will be great if he moved further to another section of the garden and concentrated on that area while I also focus on the opposite end. I didn’t voice it out because I thought it was not necessary since the bottom line was I just needed the garden rid of weeds! I noticed a movement about a minute later, lifted my head to investigate just to see that the young man had moved to the specific section I had thought earlier will be great for him to move to. I was startled because I hadn’t voiced out anything but my thoughts had once again created the reality. I shook my head, smiled to myself…amazed.

Like me I am sure many of you have experienced countless happenings like that in our lives. That is why its important that we guard our thoughts and intentionally direct them to what what we want to see manifest in our lives. How do we do that? Certainly by not surpressing them! On the contrary allowing them to flow examining their roots, also asking ourselves whether those thoughts will enventually help us manifest our personal master plans/visions. That is how we can identify which ones are aligned and the ones are arent.

Secondly, it is important that we are mindful of the thoughts we allow to take root in our minds because that eventually becomes our reality.

Finally lets also become mindful about the people we surround ourselves with, who speak into our lives because small minds have never been known to birth great things. So as this new week begins, ask yourself the following;

  1. What do you want to see happening in your life?
  2. What thoughts are you entertaining and focused on?
  3. Why are you focused on those thoughts?
  4. Do they align with where you want to go or see happening in your life?
  5. Who are you allowing to influence your thoughts?
  6. What can you do differently to practice aligning your thoughts to your goals?

As everyday is an opportunity to begin afresh, may we all be conscious of the fact that our thoughts are truly powerful and have the creative ability to transform our world.

Fear Is Not The Answer!

The majority of Earth citizens are now in a state of Fear. The planet has become silent, less planes in the air, less cars on the streets, no laughter to be heard, no new posts to read. Only a few trickle through.
Our governments have issued warnings, health guidelines and recommendations and more recently travel bans. Love ones and close friends are reaching out from near and far pretending to sound casual but their voice is different almost like a goodbye. Supermarket shelves are still full but we can hear talks of some preparing for the assault soon.
Some cancelling their trips, weddings and other celebrations. Some working remotely and others recoiling in their homes.
Some churches have stopped giving out communion, hugging and shaking hands. Even Holy water fountains has been emptied.

How long can we hold our breath for? Is this the new normal? Is this Pandemic teaching us to become unsociable and in a constant state of fear. Afraid to express our joys and not planning for a too distant future. Even some banks are only giving out short loans now, just in case you don’t make it
This is the stuff Hollywood has thrilled us with for decades with films like World war Z and 2012 just to name a couple.

Yes, casualties their will be, to the scale of these recent wars and bombings we have become desensitized to over the years. We change the channels so easily these days because it doesn’t really pertain to us. But this enemy is silent, invisible and non political.

Fear depletes our energy and immune system remember that

This is the time for Mindfulness, renewed Faith, Love, Kindness to others and Belief that we will get through this like we always do

We can do this 💚

By Billie Richardson

Billie is a Holistic Therapist very involved with the #ShiftThirveHub of the Single Parents Support Network – SPSN