Family – Page 2 – emefagadze

You’ve Lost Nothing

When any relationship ends, the first thing most people assess is how much they invested in those relationships. It could be a work relationship where you dedicated a good part of your life and talent working for an organization. It could be a friendship, marriage, courtship, business or any other human relationship that helps you to thrive in your world.

Unfortunately, not all of these relationships blossom into what we envisaged them to be initially. It is common to see people walk away and then one is tempted to be bitter after evaluating how much of yourself you poured into that workplace or relationship or partnership.

In my coaching sessions, I have had to dispel such views repeatedly. We are a sum total of our experiences, good, bad and ugly. Yes it is true that we might be served with a raw deal at least once in our lifetime but it all depends on our perspective. You got a tad wiser and because of that can help someone else on their journey or because of that you are able to recognize healthy relationships and value them. You have learnt to love yourself in a healthy way and not throw yourself into situations where you are not appreciated anymore. You have learnt in a beautiful way not to cast your pearls before swine. So something positive came out of a horrendous situation.

The way you see your situation informs your response to it and how well you heal or bounce back. Rehashing negative circumstances over and over and over does not serve one well.

People have a basic human right to make their own choices in life and we do not have control over the kind of choice they will make. Secondly, these rights come with obligations/consequences. The law of Karma like the law of gravity works perfectly whether the person involves believes in it or not. Now back to the hurt and pain; you are hurting because you feel used by a friend, family member, organization or ex-spouse. Worse still you feel like they are winning and you are the one left to pick up the pieces. You dedicated yourself to a job and they throw you out like discarded mango seed without a thought and in some cases without proper severance package. You helped to build the business from scratch and invested so much of time you could have spent with your family into it.

You had this friend you will do anything for. You are there for him/her whenever they need you; you have been a real friend and then unexpectedly they betray you or dump you or do something very ridiculous.

You love your family and would do anything for them, but they do not know how to love you back so they keep taking and taking from you, the one time you decide to look after yourself and tend to your needs, all hell broke loose and you hurt like crazy.

This person promised you heaven on earth; he/she promised to marry you and then decided against it and was too cowardly to even face you with their decision. They broke it off with a text message or on social media.

You gave your all for your marriage to work, you sacrificed yourself, your finances, your all to ensure the marriage works and your spouse did not only turn their back on you; but in an attempt to justify their ridiculous actions they try to tarnish your image along with everything else that is happening as if walking away is not painful enough. Your in-laws who you were kind to, have taken sides with your spouse and are behaving as if you are not human. Some even try to turn the children against you; so in addition to trying to manage what is happening, you now have to deal with children who have attitude.

Your now ex-spouse who you have endured through all the drama and just kept a positive demeanor throughout is now doing everything possible to ruin your peace of mind and that of the children.

You took in domestic help and treated them like family only for them to pay you back with so much pain on so many levels.

You feel used and cheated. You think you have wasted your resources in all these circumstances. You have decided you will not be kind to any human being again! Pause. You will sabotage yourself if you put all humans in the same box. You never know the beauty that awaits you if you can keep an open mind in spite off.

My piece to you is you have NOT lost ANYTHING. See I am not trying to trivalise what happened to you. No…no…no…no…… they just sowed a seed that they will receive an abundance of harvest for. One thing about the law of Karma (the law of sowing and reaping) is that when you sow one seed you reap in multiples. For instance if you plant tomatoes, you do not get only one tomato on the tree, you reap so many tomatoes.

So this is why I can assure you that you have lost nothing. When you were busy planting good seeds, they were busy planting bad seeds, both of you will reap an abundance of whatever it is that you’ve sown. I understand that right now it might not feel that way because life is staring you in the face with all the ‘could haves’ and ‘should have’ conversations that you are perhaps having with yourself. But trust me if you are able to take the steps necessary to heal yourself of the pain and hurt you are feeling right now, and try to process all that has happened or is happening differently. You will realise that even though it might seem like a raw deal is been handed you, because you made positive decisions in the past and did good, that will come back to you, pressed down, shaken together and running over. So let go of all the negative emotions so that you can reap an abundance of all the beautiful things that you have planted.

Bitterness and unforgiveness work like a choked passage which will block your abundance, trust the process and let go!

You’ve lost NOTHING!

@Emefa Gadze August 2017

Striving for wholeness – Educating ourselves on Mental Health Issues

I find our ignorance as a society on mental health issues very disturbing. I read a post recently on social media where the lady who posted it stated that when she was doing a research on the issue of depression, she found out that there was no word in the local language to describe the word, depression.

Mental health issues have been there before the beginning of time but had not been on the increase as in the last century or so and this is as a result of many factors. There has been a breakdown in the family system, this means that people are losing their support systems, not necessarily due to bad reasons even though some of the reasons are due to dysfunctional families and communities. These days many families are scattered across the globe because of economic, educational, health and other personal reasons.

Our lifestyles are changing into very fast paced ones and many people are juggling so much. We are adopting first world lifestyles; so increasingly many first world problems are rearing their heads here as well. It seems odd to me each time I see a post about family and all I see is mum, dad and kids. That’s nuclear family, family in the Ghanaian setting has been more than that. Cousins, aunties, uncles, grandpas and grandmums, nephews and nieces form family in that sense of the word. Apart from it being cultural, this systems when it was effective served as a safety net and cushioned members from the harsh realities of the world. Now these systems are fading fast also because we have not found effective ways in which to preserve the ties and keep connecting with each other without it being detrimental to the nuclear so many people sometimes by choice in protecting the nuclear family just cut off the extended one completely, thus throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Many people live and manage their lives alone in this era than any other era in the past. Technology has served as a double edged sword as it has helped advance society in a lot of ways but is also become the number one terrorist in destroying relationships as these days it is a luxury to have face to face meetings with people as everyone just depends on technology to connect.

Our value system has completely shifted from people and relationships to things. People are valued most not based on character anymore but all based on some image that they seem to project. There is the intense societal pressure to be more materially, thus the majority is chasing material wealth at the detriment of relationships.

You find a person working 2, 3 or 4 jobs trying to maybe honestly make a living or mostly trying to earn enough to rub shoulders with the joneses.
We have organisations, whose value systems pay lip service to healthy relationships and families. It is all about the bottom-line with insane competition and deadlines. We are proud to call it a dog eat dog world because of the aggressiveness needed to excel in those environments.

The news both local and international is filled with such negativity because those are the stories that sell. Good news seem to be boring.

The list goes on and on, and that is why we as a society, nation and continent need to pay more attention to mental health issues. This can no longer be swept under the carpet. We cannot continue to spiritualise issues that have their solutions in science. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in Jesus as my Lord and personal savior. I believe in the trinity and I believe in the bible as the true, undisputed word of God. I have absolute belief in the faith I practice and in the Almighty God I serve.

I believe that NOTHING is impossible with God, including the healing of mental diseases, cancer, headaches, tummy ache and pain, whether physical or emotional. I believe in miracles when it comes to health, I have witnessed many and been a gracious recipient of such miracles as well myself. The fact that I have this believe does not mean that when I am sick I should not seek medical attention. I will by all means seek medical attention and pray also for wisdom for the health professionals to diagnose and treat properly.

The mind is part of the body; we are body, soul and spirit and each part need the right amount of attention and care to achieve wholeness.
Issues, such as the death of a loved one, the difficulties and breakdown of relationships (marital, sibling, parental, friendships, work, family) and divorce are major issues that need to be acknowledged and treated with the care and wisdom it needs. Unfortunately, what do we see? We see people being rushed through the process of grief and whatever trauma it is that they are experiencing. We tease incessantly and ridicule people trying to make major life adjustments as a result of traumatic events.

We judge, criticize, insult and do everything in our power to ‘help them snap out of their foolishness’ when all they need really is therapy.

As a life coach, I have seen too many unshed tears of people trying to be strong, I have heard stories and seen people criticized for not having enough faith, or having self-pity and scriptures are hurled at them when truly all they need is a therapist to help them navigate that season of life.

My people, there is such a thing as mental health issue and a person does not need to be on the street in shabby clothes in order to be classified as suffering from it.

It comes in the form of that high level executive who is fabulous at their job, looks perfect, is living the dream everyone in the corporate world is trying to achieve.

It comes in the form of that man who looks so fine and all macho on the outside and seem to have everything under control.

It comes in the form of that incessant talkative who just cannot shut up and talks everyone’s ears off. It comes in the form of that person who is seen as the life of every party. It also comes in the form of a very quiet, private person.

It appears in the form of that teenager we keep ignoring and brushing off as having no problem because he/she is well-fed, attends an awesome school, has all the basics of life and then some, including amazing parents.

It appears in the form of that person grieving their loved one even after years of losing them.

It comes in the form of a new mum, who is supposed to be happy for the birth of her child but is unable to because they feel lost and no one around understands what is wrong with them.

In short, mental health issues are no respecter of persons. Rich, poor, famous, whatever you are, whoever you are just like anyone can have a stomach ache, anyone can suffer from any form of mental health disease, especially depression which seems to be the most common, the most overlooked and the least attended to, of them all.

I was horrified when I got to know that women who suffer multiple miscarriages do not have access to counselors or therapist to help them deal with the trauma that sometimes characterizes infertility issues. Losing one pregnancy is bad enough let alone multiple pregnancies and undergoing all the treatments and surgeries that sometimes women need to undergo to have babies can be life altering, yet there seem to be no professional help for such people. The few women I spoke with did not even know, they can get help if they choose to outside the system.

The lack of sensitivity and awareness of such issues need to stop starting with everyone who reads this article. Our behaviours push people further into their abyss of pain. And oh I do not mean the ordinary person on the street, I mean behaviours of family, friends, church family, etc.

When people are depressed or suffer from any form of mental health issue it is not because they do not trust God, they just need professional help. And also people with depression can be high functioning as well, remain on the job and delivering excellent results. So the picture of depression is not of someone who cannot get out of bed only, it is also of that person who seems to be the life of the party, cheering everyone up.

Seek help if you are going through a major life altering situation such as divorce, death of a loved one, work, family and friendship relationships gone bad, emotional pain etc. Seeking help is a sign of being self-aware, healthy self-love and strength. Encourage people you love to seek help when they need to, by all means pray for them. Prayer works wonders but a combination of prayer and the right information/set of tools can be go a long way to bring in the much needed balance.

Let’s educate ourselves on mental health issues especially if you work with people, are into ministry, church workers, parents, educationist, leaders and managers in the workplace, community leaders so we can relate and serve the people who come to us better.

In that way we will be working together to achieving wholeness in our families, communities, nation and impact other nations of the world.

@Emefa Gadze April 2017

I have a dream

I have a dream of a generation of women who will master the art of forgiveness for both self and others.

A generation of women who will seek knowledge in how to wisely manage pain in order to live very productive lives.

A generation of women who have the wisdom to be as wise as serpents yet harmless as doves.

A generation of women who understand their worth enough not to allow themselves to be continually abused, mastering the courage to speak up in the right settings and seek justice depending on the circumstances.

A generation of women who have an understanding that men are not necessarily the problem but a warped system that seeks to excuse the inexcusable and this system has some women as stakeholders. That it is this system that we must all work together to overhaul.

A generation of women who will see men as partners in development and dig inside them to find the wisdom necessary to work effectively together to bring about the change we all desperately need.

A generation of women who will channel their energy into positive things, surrounding themselves with a village of positive empowering people who absolutely believe in them.

A generation of women who will actually love themselves enough to pause, rest and smell the flowers without feeling guilty about what is left undone. Women who have a complete and absolute understanding of the fact that you cannot pour out of an empty cup; that you are setting up yourself for failure when you continually do so.

A generation of women who have an understanding that they have to be financially savvy and not spend all their monies on shoes, bags and bling so they can invest for the future.

A generation of women who will have an understanding of the fact that the kind of man you choose is important to your success as a person, it determines how far you go in life so that they do not rush to marry just to silence the critics.

A generation of women who can discern who a good man is and not take him for granted.

A generation of women who will understand the powerful role of motherhood as stewardship. Women who will raise their sons to become great husbands,fathers and human beings.

A generation of women who understand that wisdom is respecting the man they decide to spend the rest of their lives with. Who understand that balance is necessary for progress.

A generation of women who understand that sometimes zipping your lips is wisdom and not a sign of being abused.

A generation of women who understand the power of femininity in a positive way, who know or continuously learn how to fight like a woman.

A generation of women who will understand that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and the goal is just to stay healthy. Who will learn to quiet the inner critic and love themselves.

A generation of women who love themselves enough to learn how to be Single, Sassy and Satisfied instead of jumping into toxic relationships.

A generation of women who will have the understanding that their marital status is not who they are and that in the kind of world we live in now, not all women will get married and be at peace with that.

A generation of women who will understand what it means to actively wait for Mr. Right, and not spend perhaps one of the most productive stage of their lives miserable over the finding of Mr. Right.

A generation of women who have the understanding that they are created in the image of God according to His likeness. And you only need to look at nature to see the awesomeness of God. Which means they are awesome and can achieve anything and everything they put their minds to.

A generation of women who have the understanding and rest in the assurance that they are Daddy’s little girls irrespective of age, God’s own heartbeat who is completely jealous over them and constantly looking out for them and always has their back.

A generation of women who will have an understanding that they cannot accomplish all of the above until they become self-aware, and continually keep themselves grounded.

I have a dream.

@Emefa Gadze, January 2017

How Much Longer….?

I woke up this morning with one of my favorite bible verses and a question on my mind. I asked God how much longer do I have to be strong? You see, sometimes you are strong because you just have to be; because the cost of giving up is unimaginably high not in terms of money alone, but in terms of destinies that will be messed up because you gave up.

I learnt a long time ago that this right here, is not about me. It is more about those I am called to. Those people whose paths will light up because I chose to walk my path, because I chose courage over fears and doubts, because I chose to believe I can walk on water and achieve the unimaginable because I have the Almighty God by my side.

For many days I have had struggling families and single parent homes on my mind, especially since the school year has started for some and is about to start for others.

So, I see you, you woman who is perceived as married yet because of circumstances beyond the control of both you and your husband, you carry all the financial responsibilities of the home and wonder how you are going to raise fees for 4 children and other back to school supplies yet again.

I see you, the man who is trying to make ends meet for the family, who hates to see how his dear wife has to struggle to do what he knows is his responsibility to do but for some strange reason, the heavens seem to be shut on you and your efforts to provide do not yield the desired results.

I see you the man or woman who has done their best and continue to do so, but your spouses are simply unappreciative and whatever you do it is not good enough yet you faithfully stay the path because your have totally surrended to your maker and choose to please Him: I see you.

I see you, that widow/widower who have to navigate the new world of being single again. As your heart aches for your loved one, you also must gird your loins and ignore the pain because important decisions must be made. Your children are looking to you for comfort so you are staying strong for them. There are so many adjustments to make and you are wondering whether you will survive this, I see you.

I see you my dear single parent, whose other partner is alive and well yet has shirked their responsibilities by being emotionally distant, not contributing their quota, rejecting the children and/or literally behaving like clowns now that another school year has started, I see you.

I see those of you who are dealing with all this in addition to being there for a special needs child, parent or sibling. I see you.

You know, when I asked God the question of how much longer, I heard a still small voice telling me, God honors and rewards those who do not give up. So my friends, if you are wondering how you are going to do it again this school year, my answer is doesn’t it just amaze you the kinds of things you have triumphed and survived?

The longer I am blessed to live on this earth, the more convinced I am of one truth; it is almost impossible to defeat the human spirit that is focused and determined to reach a particular goal.

So for you my dear brave and courageous one, even though you may not feel that way right now, giving up is not an option. By all means pray, yell the frustrations out at God, cry, seek help and do whatever you need to do positively to get back on your feet but don’t Give Up…For God rewards and honors those who do not give up.

God bless you and your families abundantly in whichever way you need it in this new school year and beyond.

@ Emefa Gadze